Her Dark Deeds
by MadameMorganLeFay
Summary: She didn't want to talk, she didn't want sympathy. She simply wanted to be left in peace. Queen Guinevere in the aftermath of Morgana's spell. One-shot.


**I know I have had a long break- been really busy and that will continue to be the case. I haven't forgotten about my stories, but I am in the process of editing a lot of stuff, so updates will come when I am ready.**

**In the meanwhile, a one-shot...**

* * *

**Her Dark Deeds**

* * *

She was too frightened to shut her eyes.

If they even flickered closed for a moment, she would remember a chalky, pinched face smiling manically at hers. Worse, she would remember smiling back- agreeing. She would see herself rushing out in the dead of night, obscured by her cloak. The wind would whistle past her ears as she hurried to be by her dark mistress' side whilst Camelot slept innocently. Then there was the laughter they had shared as they contemplated the bright future without Arthur on the throne. Simply being complicit terrified her. Was she weak, she had asked herself for the hundredth time since returning to her normal self... Could she have resisted that malignant curse?

Being unsure was unsettling.

She had hardly slept for the past week, creeping out of bed when Arthur was asleep to sit by the window until dawn. She would barely speak six words to him- how could she look him in the face in light of what she had done? It wasn't hard to find excuses to avoid company, being visibly exhausted all day. After a few days, her body grew accustomed to the lack of rest- so much so that she had no energy to do even that.

_I'm so tired, I can't sleep._ (1)

Nevertheless, she would shun any enquiries after her wellbeing at every turn. Evidence like heavy dark circles and lack of appetite would not deter her from brooding alone for hours.

An effective remedy, it was not- all too often, small mementos of her crimes would catch her eye. One day, she saw Merlin sharpening a dagger, and she remembered Tyr exhaling for the last time. She saw Leon practising with a crossbow outside, and she remembered hiring an assassin to do a similar thing. She watched as Arthur unfurled several scrolls and flinched as a memory of her handing one to Morgana played in her mind. Everywhere she went, she felt traces of her crimes lingering all around her. There was no escaping the callous way she had endangered Camelot, and walking past citizens who innocently bowed and smiled at her day by day was unbearable.

Didn't they know what a terrible person she had been?

* * *

"Gaius says I should give Gwen this."

The King shrugged noncommittally whilst writing out a decree. "You can try. I doubt she'll take it."

"Well, we have to do something, Arthur."

"Right, thanks for that. As if I wouldn't want to help my own wife. It never would have occurred to me."

Merlin bit his lip, regretting his comment. "Sorry. Look, I know you are worried- we all are, but you can't give into her demands- she is making herself ill."

Pure pain flashed across Arthur's eyes and he stopped writing abruptly. "What am I supposed to do, Merlin? I can't get her to eat, or do anything. I can't even get her to speak to me. I know she isn't sleeping. I can't bear to see her so helpless and depressed, but she won't listen to anything I say. I am at my wit's end- tell me, what am I supposed to do?"

"Make her see that she isn't to blame."

"Tried that- several times- didn't work. Knowing her, she will probably still keeping believing that, no matter how hard we try to convince her otherwise."

"There must be a way..."

"Have you found one? No? You see now why I am doubtful that posset (2) will work?"

"Milk is known for its soporific properties."

"I do have some medical knowledge, Merlin. Look, try it if you can, alright? I just can't guarantee the results, but if anything can help her..."

Merlin nodded quickly, and made his way out of the Writing Chamber to find the Queen, hoping she would be reasonable today.

* * *

"My Lady? May I come in?"

"If you're already in the doorway, you might as well..." She winced when she realized she was snapping at her best friend; lack of sleep had not served her well, but she couldn't help it. She wanted to make it up to the very person she'd had thrown in jail and poisoned, but did she deserve it? Merlin was another person whom she could not face anymore. Her eyes remained glued to the Western window, fingers drumming restlessly on its sill. "Well?"

"I... thought you might like something soothing to drink."

"Not thirsty."

"Well... They say it is good for sleep deprivation and-"

"I am not sleep-deprived, I am fine," she hissed, frustrated. "And the sooner you leave me alone, the better I will be!"

Now, this really was going terribly wrong. She shouldn't be speaking like this! Why was it so hard to control herself? Why couldn't she simply allow him to help her as he pleased? Her fingers flexed before going limp as she struggled to rein in her temper. She was angry all of a sudden; she wanted to throw a chair at a wall, lay into someone. Everything was her fault, and Merlin was just making it worse. His presence was undermining... something, she didn't know what. Or maybe she did, and wasn't going to admit it. No one could understand, or help her; it simply wouldn't work that way. He had to go, befriend someone else who would never kill a stable boy or steal the crown...

"Morgana's spell has really destroyed you, hasn't it?" he observed softly, ignoring her tirade. "She is sick like that. Once you are of no use to her, you are discarded but damaged. She likes to leave her mark- it's a sign of power in her eyes."

She turned her head slightly, before retracting it immediately. No, she would not engage him in conversation, encourage him to control her. She had to be strong, could not let anyone persuade her to do anything without her permission.

"I think I said I wasn't thirsty, so leave."

When she felt him touch her arm gently, she realized he had come forwards, rather than back. Caught off guard, she pulled away with a small cry of fear, beating away his hand with hers.

"Leave me alone, I said! I am the Queen of Camelot and you will do as I ask! Now, go. I won't ask you again..."

She rose from her window seat and hurried away from him to her desk, but he was still there, just looking at her sadly.

"How much longer will this go on, Gwen? A month? A year? You can't keep it up. Your body can't deal with being starved of rest and food; you will get ill! Come on, you don't have to pretend anymore..."

"I..." Her broken stutter spoke louder than her harsh words and languid gestures. It acknowledged that she was free and at the same time couldn't accept it. She glanced up helplessly at him, baring her broken heart... and despite her paranoia, all she saw in his face was love and concern. Did she want that from him, in light of her defection? Was it deserved? Was it— "Please, just go," she whispered softly. "I'll drink the thing. Just leave me alone..." Her voice cracked at the end, her head sunk into her arms on the table as she began to weep. Merlin was conflicted about obeying her, but even he realized there was only so much he could do at this point.

Gwen would have to recover on her own if she so wished.

If only she would make things easier for herself.

* * *

Arthur was relieved to find the cup empty.

And finally, she was fast asleep, as had been promised. True, she had dropped off at table, but that didn't matter- as long as she was resting, he would be satisfied. Her curls spilled across her face and arms, but there was no mistaking the peaceful expression on her face. It was a beautiful tranquillity. He stepped closer to her and brushed her hair back from her face. She looked so innocent and perfect this way- it seemed inconceivable that she had desired his death just a week ago... And that unlike Morgana, she had come much closer to succeeding.

Chilling.

Yet he let his fingers graze her face lightly, watching her breathe gently. He loved her so much- it was amazing how many times the knowledge surprised him, after three years of marriage. It was as though he was confessing his love for her like the very first time. He couldn't explain away the feeling, but he was lucky. She was absolutely everything to him in every way possible- that was what Morgana could not eradicate, no matter how strong her powers were...

He contemplated taking her to bed, but he didn't want to rouse her now that she was finally resting. Merlin had clearly managed to get through to her, so he knew that she would pick herself up, as always. He wasn't going to interrupt what was sure to come; interfering often did more harm than good. As long as nothing could hurt her, he was content, and life was worth living.

So he kissed her head tenderly and waited for his wife to return.

* * *

**FINIS**

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**Very sad, I know. But I think that it would have taken Guinevere some time to recover from Morgana's influence. **


End file.
